Fear & Guilt – ZerotoHero DAY 12: FROM COMMENT TO BLOG POST — BE INSPIRED BY THE COMMUNITY

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    • I have been stalling on the zero to hero assignment from Day 12.  Why?  Because it has sort of semi forced me to confront issues that I would rather tuck away!

      For those of you who don’t know, in this challenge, on day 11 we had to comment on at least 3 blogs.  Which I did.  All 3 blogs were very different.

      The first post I commented on was an entry from a short story competition, which drew me in and oddly uplifted me, though the snippet of the relationship portrayed didn’t come to a good conclusion.

      The second post I commented on, drew me in by the title, as I have children.  It was the authors opinions and experiences which to me forced me to think about how I relate to my children etc and I nearly chose to use that post to follow on from here right now, but…

      The third blog and post, I literally stumbled upon, it being noonegetsflowersforchronicpain

      Today’s assignment we have are to do this:  write a post that builds on one of the comments you left yesterday. Don’t forget to link to the other blog!

      The specific post I commented on was “Do not let your illness define you”

      Here are my comments:

      eclecticoddsnsods says:

      Thank you, thank you for writing that, such an inspiration!  I take my hat off to you, accepting your situation is the strongest/hardest thing to do; I am not there yet myself..  I had been searching for some blogs, someone to relate to etc on this journey and I stumbled upon you just by chance.  I have been deliberating writing about my journey but decided to blog about the other parts of my life, escapism perhaps? But a little bit of me contemplates it, just as perhaps therapy or so that others or family can see how it is instead of guessing or not understanding

      Presses the follow button….a cup of hot chocolate is waiting for me tonight to read through the rest of your blog

      January 14, 2014 at 6:25 pm Reply

      Oh wow!  Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!  I am thrilled that you stumbled upon my blog!!!  I hope I can help.  If you have any questions or anything do NOT hesitate to email me or send a note.  My email is jesmar288@yahoo.com I started this blog first and foremost to help people!  You made my day!

      January 15, 2014 at 4:46 pm Reply

      I am glad I made your day    I take it you have found it very therapeutic personally to write about what is going on with you?  Or do you see it more to explain and possibly help others?  You see, I have been deliberating writing, I have never been a diary writer and have pretty much kept quiet about all this to most and just disappeared.  I guess as it’s been going on so long, I need to come out of hiding nowhere or I will end up a hermit and thought perhaps writing might help or might make me focus on it more?  Bleh I am confusing myself now with so many questions, hehe.  Thank you for sharing your e-mail, appreciate it!

      January 15, 2014 at 7:11 pm

      It has actually been very difficult to write everything. There is a lot that has come up regarding my past that I did not want people to know but I� had to get my story out there to help people.� Now that I am finally in a great place managing my pain sans medication or anything I knew it was my calling.� Well that and motherhood.� I have throughout the years taught my brain to not think about pain so writing about it daily can sometimes be extremely difficult and out of my “comfort zone.”� I’m making somewhat a difference though.� I received an email from a woman who has been reading my blog from day one and she is now off of 95 percent of her medication and has gone back to school because I of all people (just a girl from NJ lol) inspired her.� My dream has always been to write a book regarding my journey with chronic pain and name it “No One Gets Flowers for Chronic Pain.” so this is my start I guess.  � Overthinking is the root of all destruction!� Remember that!� Stop thinking and just do it!!!!!� Write about your story.� If it makes things harder for you stop, if it doesn’t keep going.� Overthinking really can kill ya!� Trust me!� I am the queen of overthinking. � Do not hesitate to email me anytime.� I am here to help!� Took me 30 plus years to find why I am here but this is why.� It is beyond bizarre to not be sad about having brain surgery.� I am also thankful it happened.� Well, my almost two yr old daughter is about to tear down my kitchen. � Talk soon!� Follow your gut and stop thinking. Take the Nike approach!!! JUST DO IT! jessica

      So there we go, now I have to write what has been going through my mind and stalling me these last few days on expanding on the above.

      I put in the title, fear and guilt because after taking time to question myself, these are the two prevalent feelings that plague upon me with this silent disease.  I have suffered chronic pain now for 2-3 years.  Chronic being that it is on a daily basis to varying degrees but not necessarily constant, but always lingering and threatening.

      chronic

      The bit that screws my mind up is the fact it is undiagnosed.  For the way ‘my’ mind works, this makes it very hard to deal with.  I used to be a holistic therapist, I shouldn’t say ‘used’ to, be positive, but at the moment I am unable to continue this line of profession.  However, being a holistic therapist, one treats the whole, tries to get to the root, rather than treat the symptoms.

      I have no root, no known cause.  One might say the pain is the root, but it’s not, however it is now a condition in itself.  I had no idea ‘chronic pain’ existed as such a prevalent illness, and one that is trying to become accepted by the medical profession more readily.

      Why does not having a diagnosis bother me?  Because if one has a name, it makes it seem more bonifide, I can feel like I own it.  I get asked by so many people, you see the frustration  on their faces “but you have had this so long, what is it?”  I have to answer “I don’t know”.  Sometimes they look at me in disbelief.  I think, alright right now some will be casting the “it’s all in her head” scenario, or “It’s obviously not that bad”.  Maybe they are not, but this is what goes through my head and makes me want to hide.  Some days I feel like a caged bird.

      I feel like a caged bird by love muffin

      I feel like a caged bird by love muffin

      The impact it has had on my life in every single area has been huge and with this comes the guilt.  The lovely woman from this blog I commented on has obviously had similar experiences as we all in this situation must do.  She has however learn’t to manage it in some way, to come off medication, to be active, to somehow live over the pain and not let it dominate her.  I am not at that stage, I would love to be.  I am not sure I ever will be, because we are all different and our physical limitations through the pain get the better of us and for some there are physical challenges that cannot be overcome.  However, the mind is a great thing.  You learn to re-value, strip down to what is important to you because you can only now fit certain things in to your life.

      I don’t talk in depth to many about this, in fact probably only one or two people.  They have often said, “Don’t feel guilty; it’s not your fault”.  But how can you not feel guilty, when you cannot do things with your children.  When they often say, “mummy if I had one wish it would be for your back to be better”.  How can I not feel guilty when my child is left at school, the person meant to be picking him up has forgotten or is late and I get a call from the secretary “Mrs. so and so, your child is still here at school, who is going to pick him up?”.  Can I really not feel riddled with guilt and useless?

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      My rationale can tell me that it is not my fault I have this condition, but the consequence of this condition is the fault of my condition, now I have just said this, I suppose it becomes apparent my condition is not ‘me’ and I need to separate myself from it, LOTS of work to do!

      As for fear the fear is like a predator in my mind.  It’s not a conscious thought, it’s just that it is like a being lingering waiting to pounce all the time, meanwhile it just chips away slowly, bit by bit and I fear this predator that has such an impact on my life.  I don’t know at the moment how to ignore this predator like the woman in the blog I commented on has done.  It is a learning technique I need to investigate, to try.  Even if I do, will it ever take the fear away?  There are many other illness’s, diagnosed that involve pain, for instance a heart attack.  The person can never know that it will not strike again; do they live in fear of it?  Perhaps the difference is not the daily reminder, I really don’t know.

      images

      I don’t have the answers yet, I hope I do one day.

      Has writing this helped?  Perhaps a little.  Has it made me feel worse?  Not so far, but I have just eaten four large chocolate cookies, finished the packet, yikes, guilt but of a totally different kind, one that is a breeze in the park to deal with 🙂

      Guilty treat!

      Guilty treat!

      Any comments, thoughts or similar experiences that people wish to share or otherwise, please tinkle away on the keyboard and chat to me x

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  2 comments for “Fear & Guilt – ZerotoHero DAY 12: FROM COMMENT TO BLOG POST — BE INSPIRED BY THE COMMUNITY

  1. January 16, 2014 at 10:35 PM

    WOW! I am not only beyond touched but proud! This was amazing and not only because you speak so highly of me! Haha. Letting go of the guilt and fear is beyond hard! I have a lot of insight I can share with you and anyone as letting go of the fear of pain and the guilt surrounding my condition has been far from easy.
    Sometimes (often) the fear of pain is actually worse then the pain itself.

    Oh I am soooo proud and happy you wrote all this! Helps me to know how to help you and others as well! You are an amazing woman!

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    • January 17, 2014 at 2:27 PM

      thank you jesmar. I need some new reading material, so was going to look up that book you mentioned, do you have a link for it, so I make sure I get the right one if there are more than one with the same name? I hope today was a brighter day for you. I am contemplating making a blog for my journey….contemplating….part of me thinks I should put it on this one, then part not, to keep it separate….I hate being a Libran, decision making is hideous LOL xx

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