Toilet humour & general debauchery! ~ Fiesta Friday #7

So we are on Fiesta Friday #7 wooo hooo!

Now if you could hear me say that woohoo it would not be said with the usual gumption, why is that?

Yes folks I am afraid this week yet again revolves around toilet humour and general debauchery.

So what am I talking about?

Basically let’s start with Teddy, my darling French Bulldog, who for the 3rd time yes 3rd time folks had the horrible situation of his bottom falling out.  Angie from Novice Gardener gave the not very sensible solution of using prune juice.  Now for those of you who have still yet to eat their dinner or whatever else depending on what time zone you are on, you might not want to read further….

Waits…haha caught you peeking…

Well, if you want some catching up to do re what happened last week, click here

To update all those of you who have so caringly asked how teddy is here goes, I am backing up a little (excuse the pun), just to give some fuller detail.

It was my husband who took teddy to the vets, due to the fact driving that kind of distance just puts my back out.  With him doing this I always run the risk of not getting all the info necessary and I guess in this situation it was pretty important.  I did try to cross check by ringing the vet, but it was a different one and one who probably thought my husband would pass on pertinent info and as such things got a little screwy.

032Basically teddy came back with bandages on his arms and a collar.  He looked so fetching and fashionable, I was tempted to get a perma marker and draw graffitti on it to make it even more pukka!  My husband told me the collar which made him in reality look like he was outer space was for his paws, so he didn’t lick and chew them.   I was not entirely sure, the vets told me it would stop him licking his bottom.  I was quite shocked and said “really can he get around that far?  She said “oh yes you would be surprised how flexible they can be when they want to be”  I was surprised, hence I suppose why men say they are jealous that dogs can lick their balls right?  OOoooer was that a bit outrageous.

Anyway teddy has quite a stumpy tail and I in all honest didn’t really spend any time examining his bottom when he came home, I was just glad that there was not his innards hanging out which is quite obvious really if they are.

We had to give him laxatives, I thought so he didnt strain and push things out again and as I explained to many it all became rather stressful.  The vet would ask me to check what his poo was like.  Oh dear…really?  So I felt like some weird pervert stalking my dog to see if he would poo, was it wet, was it hard etc.  The whole thing of watching and worrying about alien like protrusions coming out was really getting to me, plus again feeling like some weird pervert.

Poor teddy started to get stage fright and wouldn’t go, because heck humans were staring at him.  Meanwhile my kids were going, what are you doing mummy watching teddy pooing?  I would explain but they would still say I was weird.  I would then worry they would tell their friends who would in turn tell their parents, its not as if I have a lot of friends, I don’t really want to lose any more due to being labelled as a poo perve.

So I did watch, it is my duty right?  Now the laxative worked, and unfortunately teddys pushing power worked too.  No his anus did not come out again, but whilst teddy had a push on the grass, our old female cat daintily went on to the flower bed where she always does to have her erm oblutions. Teddy pushed…the cat relaxed and pushed…what happened next was like something out of a atomic attack.  First there was some odd kind of whistling sound (which I will explain later!), then well what looked like dark hot chocolate erupted at the speed of lightning from his bottom and headed in what seemed like slow motion straight towards the cat!  OMG..it hit the fence creating what some ‘cultist artists’ looks at Victoria now…might call ‘art’.  No I did not take a photo.

So anyway, the cat had a near miss, thank goodness, but the whistling sound happened on and off.

A few days later the vets called to say “teddy should have his stitches removed”  I said “oh, I thought they were dissolveable” They said “no, he had his rectum (basically asshole) stitched up very very small and it needs unstitching so he can poo properly now.”  I nearly fainted!  I thought they had put a stitch inside to hold his bowels upwards to something else, for gods sake I am not a vet, thank goodness or I would be stitching bowels to necks and all sorts.

I booked them to be removed, but decided to take a look which I should have done before.  Poor teddy looked like something out of a horror movie, there was no bottom, just a pinhole surrounded by stitches, and now drum roll, that explains the whistling.  Sheesh.

Teddy back to his normal self, wrestling with my son.

Teddy back to his normal self, wrestling with my son.

I thought teddy would be somewhat psychologically damaged by this whole episode, but I felt proud and so did my husband when upon his first walk after he showed his masculine prowess and protection of our old pug, Splodge who is now 9.

I am a legend!

I am a legend!

It turns out some Victorian Bulldog (they are huge) took a like to Splodge and was sniffing around, he then decided to mount him.  OMG poor Splodge would have collapsed with the weight.

Teddys scary face.

Teddys scary face.

Teddy was having none of this and instead of shooing him away decided to mount the Victorian Bulldog (no again I do not have a photo of this).  Suffice to say the Victorian Bulldog was not having this and ran away, my husband came back with his chest puffed out like he had done it (urgh that sounded wrong didn’t it?)

So moving on

A shadow of my former self.

A shadow of my former self.

So it is looking good for Teddy, but oh no we have not stopped there.  Myself and my son have had a jippy tummy for three days now, hence not so enthusiastic a woohoo at the beginning.  Now I am super paranoid I have Teddys bug, but you know what????

There is no way I am having my ass stitched up!

Did I say that loud enough?

That is I am afraid folks my entry for the party, urgh, so many words like “crappy, entry, back door, corks etc” that I now cannot say as they just bring back memories!

So roll on parting for good old Teddy!

Come browse one of my other blogs?

Come browse one of my other blogs?

Come browse my journey with chronic pain!

Come browse my journey with chronic pain!

Lets keep in touch!

Lets keep in touch!

  44 comments for “Toilet humour & general debauchery! ~ Fiesta Friday #7

  1. March 14, 2014 at 7:45 PM

    Is it wrong that I’m amused? Sorry if that makes me look insensitive! Anyway, poor Teddy and poor you (and poor cat too) — and thank you, now I’m not eating my dinner today, which is the perfect thing because I’m trying to lose a little weight (to look pretty at your wedding, you know 😉 )!

    Like

    • March 14, 2014 at 8:13 PM

      my wedding? OUR wedding tsssk tsssk naughty girl!

      Like

      • March 14, 2014 at 8:37 PM

        Oh! I didn’t say OUR wedding?! My bad, I’m confusing pronouns!!

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        • March 14, 2014 at 8:45 PM

          Oh your being very naughty I think , no? 😮 you most definately said your as in mine ^^

          Like

          • March 14, 2014 at 8:51 PM

            Ok, so now I will write ten times in a row at least: OUR wedding, OUR wedding, etc., I’ll continue on my own…

            Like

  2. Anonymous
    March 14, 2014 at 7:55 PM

    Oh My God!! I am crying with laughter right now!!!

    Poor Teddy! I’m really glad he’s on the mend but the poo in the garden had me in stitches 😀 xxx

    Like

    • March 14, 2014 at 8:14 PM

      Hehe I am glad I made you laugh, that was the intention, fun must be had out of such a situation to give good memories rather than bad LOL..at least he’s better x

      Like

    • March 14, 2014 at 8:15 PM

      I couldn’t see who you are though? The gravatar has no info? hehe

      Like

  3. March 14, 2014 at 8:01 PM

    So sorry to hear about pour Teddy. Our dog Houdini got hit by a car a couple of weeks back. Tore up his leg pretty badly. We took him to the vet, who stitched him up and put some drains in. Houdini came home with that plastic collar thingie too, but it kind of freaked him out once his anesthesia wore off. Well, he’s better now, drains and stitches came out. Hope Teddy feels better soon.

    LuAnn Braley
    AJ’s Hooligans @AtoZChallenge

    Like

    • March 14, 2014 at 8:14 PM

      He’s much better thank you 🙂 As you can see, collar off and larking around..but I am still nervous every time he poo’s

      Like

  4. March 14, 2014 at 10:11 PM

    I’m happy, that Teddy is okay now. But you really maked me largh, when you told about the cat too. Poor cat.
    For a moment I became visual.
    Irene

    Like

  5. Lainey
    March 14, 2014 at 10:30 PM

    Glad to hear he’s on the mend! I know what it’s like to stalk a pets’ poo so you have my sympathy (and giggles!) my kitty has an IBS type of condition, oh the joys of loving these little creatures!

    Like

    • March 14, 2014 at 11:07 PM

      Exactly oh I hope I don’t have to stalk again lol. A cat even harder I expect as they climb over fences etx I don’t envy you x

      Like

  6. March 15, 2014 at 1:19 AM

    OMG I truly am Rolling On The Floor Laughing (and hoping nothing falls out)!!!
    I couldn’t stop reading this to see where you were taking me. Laughter is so important for us all, even if the subject is a little risque. And to think my husband had a fit because I posted that I read in the bathroom. Keep it up. Great stuff!

    Like

    • March 15, 2014 at 7:01 AM

      Hehe thank you your right I feel better feeling rotten ie tummy bug if I can make others laugh then it doesn’t seem so bad lol. Really glad you popped by and I hope nothing fell out!!x

      Like

  7. March 15, 2014 at 1:50 AM

    Lol, I am in tears again! And my sides hurt! Stop it now. I feel bad for Teddy we’re laughing over this. Good for him for protecting Splodge! 🙂

    Like

    • March 15, 2014 at 7:04 AM

      Yah he’s my superhero! I need to make a cartoon superhero out of him if could be rather risqué though lol! Glad you enjoyed 😀

      Like

  8. March 15, 2014 at 9:36 PM

    oh very funny – whistling noises, stitched up bottoms, volcanic poo eruptions, faecal cat attacks, and bulldog mountery, very funny, I giggled. I couldn’t help it. This reminds me I recently had a manicure, and the lady who was doing my hands said, oh, what kind of doctor are you? If you are a gynecologist I’d be really happy because then I’d have to look no further, I’d just make an appointment with you and get you to have a look down there, it’s all falling out and nothing is as it should be……..Amazing what people tell you when you cannot run away……….and they only met you 2 minutes ago….it was a bit awkard 😦

    Like

    • March 16, 2014 at 11:51 AM

      So what kind of doctor are you? Hehe now I’m curious! Now my pug is sick it’s never ending I have two dogs and two cats and two sons and sometimes it feels like a farm you clear up after one while someone else prepares to make a different mess no wonder I’m insane in the membrane x

      Like

  9. March 16, 2014 at 3:45 AM

    Oh my gosh… Lol… I’m so sorry to laugh at such a sad situation.. poor little baby!! You have a wonderful talent of telling a story… I truly enjoyed this (the story, not the issue at hand “or rump”) and I look forward to catching up on your blog!

    Like

    • March 16, 2014 at 11:49 AM

      Thank you for your lovely compliments and I understand what you mean it’s ok I wanted to make people laugh you have to really when it’s all gojng tits up so to speak hehe. Now my old pug is exploding luckily not with a prolapse but it’s messy it’s a never ending cycle when you have animals lol xx hope to chat again x

      Like

  10. March 16, 2014 at 4:51 PM

    Oh poor, Teddy! Suffering not only a fallen out bottom but all our laughs at his expense! Oh, this had me laughing bad!

    Like

    • March 16, 2014 at 5:22 PM

      Heh well one has to find humour and it’s amazing how resilient dogs are he’s leaping around now though that makes me nervous x

      Like

  11. March 16, 2014 at 11:15 PM

    Hahahaha hahahaha hahahah. OMG, I’m going to laugh for days. Why didn’t you take a picture of Teddy’s projectile poo?? That’s a Kodak moment if there ever was one! I’m glad dear Teddy is back to his normal self. What a precious baby. 🙂

    Like

  12. March 17, 2014 at 10:16 AM

    Oh goodness, lucky I had dinner an hour ago, what hoot, you have the best storytelling store! 😀

    Like

  13. March 17, 2014 at 12:27 PM

    Oh I feel so bad for Teddy – most of our dogs (at one time or another) had to wear collars for an infection and so on (nothing like what your dog had to go through) and they were just miserable!

    Like

    • March 17, 2014 at 1:18 PM

      Luckily he didn’t have to wear it for long but I’m nervous all the time what he eats now and stomach bugs that cause runny tums give him more risk of another prolapse. My pug then got the tummy bug so I had that all this weekend and oddly me and my youngest had really bad stomachs for three days oh goodness it’s been full on lolik

      Like

      • March 17, 2014 at 1:25 PM

        Oh my – I hope all of you feel better soon. It is never fun being sick or having issues. I have never heard of what happened to Teddy – you as the “caregiver” had to suffer too!

        Like

        • March 17, 2014 at 2:25 PM

          The vets said a prolapse is rare and now he’s had it he is prone again. 😦

          Like

        • March 17, 2014 at 2:26 PM

          But he seems better and both me and my youngest are better just the pug recovering now lol. We needs biscuits obviously

          Like

  14. March 17, 2014 at 3:20 PM

    Omg, I died laughing. Pet stories are the best, and your dogs are super cute!

    Like

  15. March 17, 2014 at 8:16 PM

    Ha Ha You had me in stitches!!! (pardon the pun). I truly enjoyed your writing. Hope you are feeling better too.

    Like

    • March 17, 2014 at 8:22 PM

      Hehe glad I had you in stitches always makes me smile that! 😀

      Like

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