Now if you could hear me say that woohoo it would not be said with the usual gumption, why is that?
Yes folks I am afraid this week yet again revolves around toilet humour and general debauchery.
So what am I talking about?
Basically let’s start with Teddy, my darling French Bulldog, who for the 3rd time yes 3rd time folks had the horrible situation of his bottom falling out. Angie from Novice Gardener gave the not very sensible solution of using prune juice. Now for those of you who have still yet to eat their dinner or whatever else depending on what time zone you are on, you might not want to read further….
Waits…haha caught you peeking…
Well, if you want some catching up to do re what happened last week, click here
To update all those of you who have so caringly asked how teddy is here goes, I am backing up a little (excuse the pun), just to give some fuller detail.
It was my husband who took teddy to the vets, due to the fact driving that kind of distance just puts my back out. With him doing this I always run the risk of not getting all the info necessary and I guess in this situation it was pretty important. I did try to cross check by ringing the vet, but it was a different one and one who probably thought my husband would pass on pertinent info and as such things got a little screwy.
Basically teddy came back with bandages on his arms and a collar. He looked so fetching and fashionable, I was tempted to get a perma marker and draw graffitti on it to make it even more pukka! My husband told me the collar which made him in reality look like he was outer space was for his paws, so he didn’t lick and chew them. I was not entirely sure, the vets told me it would stop him licking his bottom. I was quite shocked and said “really can he get around that far? She said “oh yes you would be surprised how flexible they can be when they want to be” I was surprised, hence I suppose why men say they are jealous that dogs can lick their balls right? OOoooer was that a bit outrageous.
Anyway teddy has quite a stumpy tail and I in all honest didn’t really spend any time examining his bottom when he came home, I was just glad that there was not his innards hanging out which is quite obvious really if they are.
We had to give him laxatives, I thought so he didnt strain and push things out again and as I explained to many it all became rather stressful. The vet would ask me to check what his poo was like. Oh dear…really? So I felt like some weird pervert stalking my dog to see if he would poo, was it wet, was it hard etc. The whole thing of watching and worrying about alien like protrusions coming out was really getting to me, plus again feeling like some weird pervert.
Poor teddy started to get stage fright and wouldn’t go, because heck humans were staring at him. Meanwhile my kids were going, what are you doing mummy watching teddy pooing? I would explain but they would still say I was weird. I would then worry they would tell their friends who would in turn tell their parents, its not as if I have a lot of friends, I don’t really want to lose any more due to being labelled as a poo perve.
So I did watch, it is my duty right? Now the laxative worked, and unfortunately teddys pushing power worked too. No his anus did not come out again, but whilst teddy had a push on the grass, our old female cat daintily went on to the flower bed where she always does to have her erm oblutions. Teddy pushed…the cat relaxed and pushed…what happened next was like something out of a atomic attack. First there was some odd kind of whistling sound (which I will explain later!), then well what looked like dark hot chocolate erupted at the speed of lightning from his bottom and headed in what seemed like slow motion straight towards the cat! OMG..it hit the fence creating what some ‘cultist artists’ looks at Victoria now…might call ‘art’. No I did not take a photo.
So anyway, the cat had a near miss, thank goodness, but the whistling sound happened on and off.
A few days later the vets called to say “teddy should have his stitches removed” I said “oh, I thought they were dissolveable” They said “no, he had his rectum (basically asshole) stitched up very very small and it needs unstitching so he can poo properly now.” I nearly fainted! I thought they had put a stitch inside to hold his bowels upwards to something else, for gods sake I am not a vet, thank goodness or I would be stitching bowels to necks and all sorts.
I booked them to be removed, but decided to take a look which I should have done before. Poor teddy looked like something out of a horror movie, there was no bottom, just a pinhole surrounded by stitches, and now drum roll, that explains the whistling. Sheesh.
I thought teddy would be somewhat psychologically damaged by this whole episode, but I felt proud and so did my husband when upon his first walk after he showed his masculine prowess and protection of our old pug, Splodge who is now 9.
It turns out some Victorian Bulldog (they are huge) took a like to Splodge and was sniffing around, he then decided to mount him. OMG poor Splodge would have collapsed with the weight.
Teddy was having none of this and instead of shooing him away decided to mount the Victorian Bulldog (no again I do not have a photo of this). Suffice to say the Victorian Bulldog was not having this and ran away, my husband came back with his chest puffed out like he had done it (urgh that sounded wrong didn’t it?)
So moving on
So it is looking good for Teddy, but oh no we have not stopped there. Myself and my son have had a jippy tummy for three days now, hence not so enthusiastic a woohoo at the beginning. Now I am super paranoid I have Teddys bug, but you know what????
There is no way I am having my ass stitched up!
Did I say that loud enough?
That is I am afraid folks my entry for the party, urgh, so many words like “crappy, entry, back door, corks etc” that I now cannot say as they just bring back memories!
So roll on parting for good old Teddy!